I haven’t written anything in a while, so I was going to force myself to sit down and put metaphorical pen to paper this morning. I discovered quickly that it wasn’t going to be an easy writing day, as I’m really having trouble organizing my thoughts. So then I thought I might write about that: the struggle.
I may have mentioned before, Dear Journal, that I’m particularly sensitive to the weather. My mood often follows the seasons. Winter and early Spring are often challenging times for me. In Indiana, I’d refer to these times as the Seasons of Gray, as that seems to be the predominant colors. I probably have a mild form of Seasonal Affect Disorder, though it’s never really bothered me enough to get an official diagnosis. In general, I can manage. It’s just that not all days are created equal.
Depression runs in my family, and I’ve written about mental health before. My own journey is perhaps atypical of most. I don’t know that I’ve ever been chronically depressed. Instead, I go through “funks.” For me, this tends to mean one to two weeks where I really struggle to motivate myself to do, well, anything. On top of a lack of motivation (or maybe because of it), I feel a deep lethargy and my thoughts are very disordered. For instance, trying to write this currently feels like herding cats in my brain.
I read about a study once where they compared writings from folks in the depth of depression and when feeling “normal.” Same people, writing about similar things when they’re both depressed and not. The interesting outcome was that there was very little difference in both quality and presentation of the output. I take that to mean that you, Dear Journal, will be unable to discern my mood through my writing. In fact, it’s likely that while I’m struggling more with the process, the end result is on par for my own abilities. I’ve always tried to keep this in mind and not use my “funks” as an excuse not to write.
I guess I wanted to write this today because I’ve been feeling lately that the best things on the Internet and Social Media are the most genuine. There’s a lot of Fake out there, and it’s typically the Fake that causes negative outcomes. Perhaps if we could celebrate the genuine, we’d be able to come together more. Or maybe this is just the idealistic Millennial in me.
In any case, for me these last few weeks have been rough, but for no particular reason. Everything in my life is great. New job is going well. Brooke is fantastic and growing. The weather is even improving. I’m just not feeling it yet. Strange how that works sometimes. That being said, the nice thing about my own particular condition is that I know, from experience, that it will pass. I just need to buckle down, exercise a bit, try to eat a little healthier, be good to myself, and get through it. I’m lucky in that regard, because for a lot of people the struggle is a lot harder, and they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Which I guess is the point of what I wanted to say today: be kind to one another. Be genuine. No one chooses to struggle. Let your light help them find their own.