Six Months Later

It’s been a busy first half of the year for me, Dear Journal, culminating in the arrival of Bennett on June 21st. To say we sort of skidded into the finish line on this one is perhaps a bit of an understatement. It seems that with each additional child, things are just a bit more difficult. I wouldn’t say it increases exponentially, or even linearly, as lessons learned from kids 1 and 2 can definitely help smooth out 3. That being said, the challenge definitely increases, and I can safely say that I believe we’ve found our comfort limit and are complete as a family. Now, I suppose with all things, I may look back on this post later and laugh at myself. But, at least where we’re sitting now… we’re good.

Part of the skidding was Kate’s Nana passing away on June 8th. We’d seen a lot of Nana in the last few years, as Wawasee has maintained as one of our favorite places and, as such, we visited as much as we could. 92 years is a long time, so as much as we’ll miss visiting with Nana, I can only hope to be given the same amount of time on this Earth. I was only around for the the last sliver of those years, so here’s the obituary for a fuller account than I could provide. I believe Kate was able to attend as much of the arrangements as possible though, between you and me, Dear Journal, I was half convinced that Bennett was going to make his appearance on I-69.

Speaking of Wawasee, we also took ownership of a condo on the lake this spring. Talk about loading our plate! Still, when opportunity knocks, one must be prepared to answer. It’s been a dream of ours, ever since our Oakwood wedding, to have a place up there. We were super excited, but then had to wait until Bennett arrived before being able to travel up there. Fortunately, the timing all worked out so that we were able to spend the 4th of July up there and take in multiple firework shows.

Brooke loved the fireworks, every color was her favorite. Blair is a little more unsure about them. Which is funny because Brooke is definitely more cautious than Blair when it comes to typical play. And Bennett? Well, he pretty much slept through them all.

37

First of all, thank you to everyone who reached out with a kind word. The good, old social media birthday waterfall is, in my opinion, one of the more positive aspects of this digital age. I’m personally very bad about reaching out with birthday wishes, especially since tools like Facebook make it so easy. So I appreciate it doubly-so, because I probably failed to reach out to you. Hopefully there are enough social media extroverts in your life that you didn’t notice my faux pas.

Birthdays are often a time of reflection for me, but this year that’s been a bit of a struggle. With mental health being destigmatized, I’m going to take the opportunity to write about my own struggles today. I don’t typically like to focus on myself, because so many have challenges far greater than my own. Still, this is my journal and my experience, so buckle up.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with seasonal depression. It always hits me hardest right around my birthday. The holidays have enough distractions going on and, lately, the weather hasn’t turned really cold until January or later, it seems. Thus, the cumulative impact of the winter doesn’t really hit me until now. It’s a strange thing, too, because I’m not a particularly “outdoorsy” person. I’m generally very happy hibernating with a video game, movie, or book. Yet, inevitably, I find myself unusually irritable at some point around this time of year.

That’s how it starts for me. I realize I’m being a grouch, and I don’t really have a reason why. There is nothing specific. And then I recognize that my motivation has been pretty poor, and I don’t find a whole lot of enjoyment in, well, anything. Focusing becomes a struggle, and I’m generally someone who can tap into an ability to hyper-focus at will. It sucks. Life sucks, I suck, everything sucks. And that’s one face of seasonal depression.

The silver lining for me (that I’m quick to point out to anyone), is that I have been through this enough that I know there is an end. Perhaps a huge difference between clinical depression and a milder seasonal variant, is that I am able to focus on the fact that: “this, too, shall pass.” I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, if only I can slog my way through said tunnel. And I am nothing if not stubborn. So I think I cope reasonably well, but it is not always easy.

For example, yesterday was my birthday. My wife and mom were around, and of course they’re like, “what would you like to eat? It’s your birthday.” And, for the life of me, I couldn’t think of a food that sounded good. I didn’t want anything. Not deep dish pizza. Not ice cream cake. Not pollo con chorizo. None of my usual favorites. Just the thought of choosing what to eat seemed like it would take sooooo much energy. What a bizarre thought pattern! So, for my birthday, I asked them to choose. I asked them to relieve me of the burden of choice, and I could just… exist… for the day. What a lame way to spend a birthday, but it worked for me, and I appreciate them for doing it.

I wonder if I’m terrible with birthdays because I’ve always struggled just to “get up” for my own. It’s easy to normalize one’s own experience and forget that others don’t have the same history that chains them to your way of thinking. As a personal goal, I’ve tried to grow to appreciate the birthdays of others more than I do for myself, but it is hard. It takes effort. It takes straining at those self-imposed chains until they loosen enough to let you breathe.

What a strange experience to reflect on for you birthday. My birthday wish, though: keep chipping away at this whole “mental health” thing, world.

I told my brother yesterday that I was petitioning the NCAA to see if they can grant me an eligibility extension on life since, really, these pandemic years have hampered my ability to participate fully. Looking back, 36 was sort of a “blah” pandemic blur, and I really think I’d like some extra years at the end to make up for them. The NCAA has that power, right?

Change is hard, and as we all continue to adapt to the new reality, I think its important to keep a sense of humor and remember that progress is often non-linear. It may take a meandering path that still arrives at its destination. Here’s hoping that 37 continues to meander somewhere meaningful, and that I can overcome my personal hurdles in order to enjoy the sights along the way.

Happy Halloween

It’s been scary long since I’ve written to you, Dear Journal. It’s so bad that I even failed to mark Blair’s first birthday. It seems that, at least in my family, the “not the first child” syndrome is hitting us hard. Don’t get me wrong, we completely love Blair and are still in-person very excited by all of her milestones. We just often fail at capturing/documenting them. The old trope where the first born has a stuffed full baby book and the rest have a birth certificate comes to mind. Fortunately, we’re not that bad. One of the benefits of being part of the iPhone generation is that a quality camera is pretty much always in my pocket. While my kids may never know the joy of a clear plastic photo album, they will have plenty of photos and video clips.

Well, anyway, happy belated 1st birthday, Blair. I promise the pictures from your party are on your mom’s phone. I snagged these:

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Last Friday, For Chance

Today is the day. I have had a good, long adventure with my Favorite Person, and it is time. She will miss me, but we traveled together to where we were supposed to travel to, and it is time. This is the Destination.

Standing from my bed is a challenge. When did I get so heavy? Is it because of all the treats? There have been a lot of treats. Peanut butter is, obviously, the best. There have been a lot of nice people, too. Kind of like the treats, I feel like there’s been more of them as we’ve gotten close to the Destination. That’s good, because I love people. They smell so interesting, you just have to lick them. And maybe if they smell so good, you want to nibble – just a little – but, no. Not hard. Lightly. That’s what is Good. And I am Good. I know that. It has been my life’s goal.

My Person opens the door and we move go outside. This is a new door, different than the many other doors, but for a while now is has been the door. Outside smells so good. I love outside. This is not the door for walks, but for the outside with the metal around it. This outside is nice. It has a similar smell as the other, bigger outside, and I can roam around as I please. And there are the small, furry guys to chase back into the trees. They’re good fun, even if they try to take advantage when I’m inside.

The other outside, the one for walks, is an even better outside. There are more smells, even if I have to be on a leash. Leashes are silly. I mean, it’s not like I would go anywhere. Okay, I might go smell all of the things, but I’ll be right back. I’ll always be back. This is my home. Not the wood box part, as I know humans might think – I’ve been in a lot of those – but the place my Person is. That’s True Home.

I miss walks, but they’ve been so hard lately. I’ll still go on them because, well… they’re walks. But if I’m being honest, it’s been hard to enjoy them as much as I used to. Walking hurts. Breathing is much harder than it once was. And I’m so much heavier. It must be those stupid treats. But… they’re treats. What would you do?

I’m thirsty. Can treats make you thirsty? I’m glad the humans put some water here. It’s nice to have water and outside. When it’s cold, you can’t always do that. The water gets hard. But it’s nice today. Perfect really. There’s a breeze, and new smells sometimes ride the wind. New smells are the best.

I pause as the full force of the smells hits me. It’s also bright. Very bright. So, I squint and smell. And then she’s calling me to follow, my beautiful Person. I love her. I really do. She wants to be outside, too. Yes, let’s go sit outside.

Whoa, the Man is here. He’s the Man with All the Smells. So many smells on him. He must be the Person to a lot of dogs. He’s nice, but I already have a Person and I’m very happy with mine. Doesn’t hurt to have a little lick though, right?

I can tell my Person is sad. She just… screams sad. Not really screams as humans scream with their mouth, but screams how dogs scream. I don’t even know if scream is the right word. I’ve only gotten good at words through a very long time of practice and lots and lots of repetition. Which also generally gets me treats, so… I’m happy to learn. I’d do it even without the treats because I’m Good. In fact, my human is reminding me of this even now while she’s petting me. Of course I’m Good. Lick.

I wish she wouldn’t be sad, but I think I understand why she’s sad. She’s sad that it is time. That we’ve reached the Destination. We all know you only get to journey together so long, and then you have to go back to the Big Home. Not the True Home like with your Person down here, but the Big Home up there where all the Persons are. It’s hard to explain to humans because they’re so dense. It just is, and that’s Good. Dogs understand this better than humans. Humans sometimes want to pretend that it isn’t, but it is. Nothing can avoid this. And it’s Good. Humans need to work harder at understanding the Good. Then, I think maybe they’d not be sad so much.

Still, leaving is sad. I get it. I’ve been around enough to understand some of the denseness of humans. Like, I don’t really like cars so much, and sometimes we have to go somewhere in a car, and while that’s not really sad, it’s not the best, either. Not like smells, or treats, or outside with the red ball. So this leaving is kind of like that but without the car. It’s not the best, especially for my human because it is not her time to go to the Big Home. I have to go first. I have to help get ready. It’s part of being Good. So I’m not sad, but I get it.

I’d better go give that other human that lives with us a lick. He’s pretty good too. Not Good good, but pretty good. He deserves a lick before I have to leave. I think I’ve licked everyone that needs licking, and he can be last. It is almost time, and that seems like the Good way to do things. It’s strange how humans always struggle so much to know what is Good. Can’t they just listen to that voice inside that tells them? Maybe it’s not as loud as it is for dogs. Maybe that’s why they struggle so much. They need bigger ears, probably.

Hmm, that lick was surprisingly exhausting. I know you’re supposed to get tired when it is time, but man… it kind of just hits you. It’s not bad, though. It feels good as it washes through me. Relieving. I don’t feel so… heavy. Like a treat for all the treats.

She wants me to lay next to her for one last time. That’s Good. I wasn’t sure because I know I need to look for the Light soon, but it really feels like I can do both. I can lay next to her and the Light will find me. Yes. That’s Good. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

“I love you, Chancey-boy,” she says.

I know you do, Favorite Person. I love you, too. That’s what I was here for. That’s what this adventure was all about.

I close my eyes, allowing myself a relaxing sigh. It feels good out here. Everything is just right. But there’s one more thing I need to tell my Person: She needs to Stay. I know that word. Really, really well. Stay. It’s my turn to tell you, and I scream it as best I can. How dogs scream it, with their whole body: Stay.

It’s time for me, but it is not time for you. I need to go get things ready for you. It is Good, but you Stay. Stay and do all the things we learned together. Stay and eat treats. Stay and play outside. Stay and go for walks. Stay and snuggle and Love. These are Good. And when it is time for you, I will be ready. Because I am Good and you are mine in the Big Home. It just is.

Ahhhh, there’s the Light. It is now, finally, time. What a truly Good adventure we had together. See you soon.

Birthday Gratitude

First of all, thank you to everyone who shared birthday wishes to me via all the various ways we share them these days. I’m not great at acknowledging birthdays of others, so I definitely appreciate it when people go out of their way to acknowledge mine. I tend to be pretty laid back about birthdays, though my wife is completely the opposite and takes it as a personal crusade to make sure everyone has a card, cake, and ice cream on their birthday.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, so I thought it appropriate to share my first thoughts as a freshly minted 36-year-old on here. First things first, to officially feel my age, I slept wrong on my hip last week and it still hurts. So I’ve been complaining about my hip. I’m not sure there is anything that is as quintessentially old as complaining about hip pain that you acquired by “sleeping wrong.”

It’s not all bad getting old, though. One of the perks is that I’ve had time now to save up my pennies to be able to afford some cool stuff. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for cool cars, but also tried to be sensible with my purchases over the years. I started out after college with a Pontiac G6, and I really had a thing for Pontiacs, but the brand shut down and I eventually moved on from that car. I snagged a “superhero blue” Kia Optima next, which I got in one of the higher trims, and I drove for 9 years and 165k miles. I don’t know that either car is “cool,” but they were cool to me as they were what I could afford, and what I picked out. In particular, I loved my Optima, and was sad when it became clear that is was approaching time to move on.

Though, I spent a decade as an automotive engineer, I’m not really a gear-head. That is to say, I know my way around a car, but I’m not one of those guys that can tear apart an engine or keep an old car running for years with a little elbow grease. I change my own oil and rotate my tires, but otherwise stick to the simple stuff and trust a licensed mechanic for when I have real problems. Fortunately, the Kia was a great car that avoided a lot of problems

Being able to drive the crap out of a car like that also allows you avoid car payments for a long time (depending on when you were able to close out the loan). For me, I was fortunate to have been able to save for four years and even sell the car for a bit to someone that can help ease her into her senior years as a useful vehicle. I took that money and leveraged it into my next attempt at “cool.” I wanted a full EV, and after a bit of research, took the plunge into a Tesla Model 3.

I’d like to think that Teslas are objectively more “cool” than my previous vehicles, but part of getting old is also losing the ability to properly judge “cool.” That being said, if you’ve ever poked around in a Tesla, you know that they combine cars and tech in a way that is, I can confidently say, at the very least “nerdy cool.” As an electronics engineer, it definitely pegs my geek meter, and I’m super excited about the car. It’s something 22 year old me would definitely have been jealous of, but could no way have afforded, so… a perk of getting old.

Apart from a major car change for me, a lot has happened in this past year. My previous post on this was chronicling the birth of my second daughter, so that’s a huge deal. Raising kids during this whole pandemic stuff has been challenging to say the least. Kids are hard anyway, but then we’ve been stuck in our house with not a lot of options far too much.

I’m trying to focus on gratefulness here, though, so the perk is that I’ve really gotten to be around my kids more. I’ve been working from home, so that’s let me be around far more than in a “normal” year. Another perk is one that my 22 year old self would not necessarily have understood. Our oldest, Brooke, had a doctor’s appointment last week. The office does something that likely most pediatric practices do, where they will give a kid a sticker if they are well behaved.

Brooke, accompanied by her mom and sister, tagged along on an appointment because she’d been pulling at her ear. Parents will know that any time you can package appointments, you take it, so it was sort of a surprise test for my wife who now had to take both girls instead of only Blair as she’d been planning. Still, we’re both still learning how to juggle two, and it wasn’t without trepidation that Kate approached the appointment. With a toddler, you’re always one tiny hair away from melt down.

Brooke was a perfect big sister, however. She listened and followed directions. She was concerned when her baby sister got a shot. She wore her little mask the whole time without tugging on it. It was as if we had coached her up for weeks beforehand (we had not). The nurse even commented that Brooke must go to a daycare where they wear masks, as she was being so good about it (she does not). So, she got a sticker.

As a parent, when I heard the story and saw Brooke’s pride in having earned a sticker, I wanted to frame that sucker in a golden frame and stick it up on the wall. I totally get now why my mom saved stupid things like my grade school report cards or pictures I drew in kindergarten. It’s a perk of being old that I can find such joy in something so small. I think that must be a wisdom that only comes with age and experience, because 22 year old me would totally have not understood.

In case you are concerned, we did not frame the sticker, nor file it away in a plastic container to return to Brooke when she’s 35. We are trying really hard to not become our parents, at least not completely. (There are, of course, a lot of positives we learned from them that we have no problem stealing. Hoarding tiny achievements that only a parent would appreciate is one we’re trying to avoid. I mean there’s gotta be a line, right? First doctor sticker for wearing a pandemic mask well is probably not something you save, right? I mean we took like two-dozen photos, so we’re definitely not ruining our daughter’s life by not saving a sticker in our already cluttered storage spaces… right? We have the memory. We’ll show her the photos. And they’ll even be digital so she won’t have to store some big album that who knows what you do with when you’re 36. Though, when she’s 36, she’ll probably tell me my thumb drive is stupid or whatever. This is what parents are supposed to debate about, right? How best to capture every moment of childhood without seeming completely crazy… Right?)

Anyway, 36 is pretty good. I can’t complain. Well, I can. About my hip. Sitting in this chair typing this long thing has made it sore again. I’d better get up and stretch. Just, don’t judge me, Dear Journal, when I waddle around for the first few steps like an old man. It’s hell getting old. (But not everything!)

Hello, Word – Blair, Probably

What a difference experience makes. The second time around, our birthing story was much less dramatic than the first. It helped that we were expecting Blair to come a couple weeks early, so when she held on to 39 weeks, we were quite ready. We had our bags packed, and everything planned.

Of course, there were things outside of our control. Like how I decided to push it on Sunday night and talk to the neighbors until 2AM. Normally, we’d been turning in early and, with everything still limited due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it hasn’t been hard to be home at reasonable hours. Kate was scheduled to be induced on Tuesday, Sep 8, so I figured I could treat myself on the night before Monday, Sep 7, 2020.

Not 20 minutes after my head hit the pillow, Kate woke me to let me know her water had broken. For those of you that followed our last birthing story, you’ll know that there is no messing around when it comes to my wife and child birth. We’d been waiting for some clear contractions, but apparently this adventure was going to start with a water feature.

Fortunately, due to the aforementioned preparations, I wiped the nascent sleep from my eyes, grabbed the bags, and we hopped in the car with little preamble. We were also lucky because Kate’s mother was staying with us that night (we’d had grandparent coverage for a little over a week or so at this point, just in case), so we let her know, and she held down the fort in our absence.

The drive over did not feature any transitioning, crowning, or reckless driving. It was calm and quiet on the roads at 2:30AM, and we cruised easily to the hospital. Kate was able to actually take in the journey, with only a few contractions interrupting our conversation on the ride over.

We both walked into triage on our own power; no one needed to hover on a wheel chair. We had plenty of time for the initial examination and, at a good 6-7cm, we were definitely eligible for our birthing suite. We got to hang out a good hour or so before everything was ready. (And, by “hang out,” I mean Kate labored while I tried to figure out what to do after goal one of “get her there” had been accomplished so expediently.) Finally, the most intense half hour of any parent’s life was upon us: the actual birthing.

There is really no describing the intensity of the moment. The closest I’ve ever come is probably during the final seconds of some sort of sporting championship, where you feel time slows down and everything hinges on every little decision. Except in this case, as the male support in the room, you’re just sort of sitting there. Even so, you feel completely exhausted when all is said and done, which is just shameful because, again, as the male support in the room, you are on the bench with no chance of entering the game.

My wife, however, having come up through the rough and tumble Triage Delivery minors, was able to actually focus on only the pushing part for this stint in the Big Show. It probably turned out to be overkill for her Perennial All-Star type of birthing ability, as with all the expert support on the field in the form of a doctor and a bevy of nurses in an actual birthing suite, she gave it three good, hard pushes, and we had ourselves a Blair at 5:35AM.

All in all, clearly a quality start, if I do say so myself. Efficient, to be sure, but well-executed labor on Labor Day all the same.

Now, we did have to contend with some pandemic considerations: wearing masks the whole time, not able to leave the premises, extreme hand washing, etc. It was definitely a long 48 hours of no visitors before we were able to take our new family member home. We roughed it by doordashing Cheesecake Factory.

Now, Blair did have the Hofferth-standard Bilirubin Watch (TM). Though the 2020 version features a new, crazy, bedside fiber optic blanket. That, combined with the requisite pandemic masks, really made us feel like were delivering in The Future. What do you think, Dear Journal:

If I Saw You In Heaven

I lifted the bourbon and ginger ale to my lips and wondered, How did I get here? The last thing I remembered was laying down last night, and then suddenly, here I am in a bar. At least the drinks are good, I thought as I sipped.

From my vantage point in a corner booth, I could see the whole venue. It wasn’t a big bar – not crowded, either – but the bartender worked at a steady clip. A white, fluffy haze hung over everything. Not smoke, exactly. More like clouds floating through the room. The air was fresh, clean, and a calm joy settled over me as I took in the scene.

Patrons traded laughs and hugs, reminiscing about past encounters. Soft music wafted from a live band somewhere unseen. The beat was lively, with a brisk melody that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I began trying to hum along. If I could just hit enough of the notes, the words would surely come to me.

I lifted my glass to take another sip and froze as I recognized one of the patrons at the bar. It was my father, as I’d remembered him in the years before he’d gotten ill and passed away. He looked fantastic, vibrant and happy, and I wanted to get up and go to him. Yet, something held me back.

Just as I was wondering if he’d turn and look my way, Ted perked up. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the door. He’d apparently seen someone that he recognized through the window.

More of the white haze puffed in as the door swung open and, at first, I could only see the silhouette of the man. He was tall and broad-shouldered, radiating a strength that might have seemed intimidating in another setting. The closing door brushed away the smoke to reveal a wide, warm smile attached to another face I recognized. My uncle reached out to clasp my father’s hand.

“Hey Chuck, sorry about the ride there at the end,” my father said.

My uncle replied, “No problem. I mean, I kind of saw it coming.”

My dad chuckled and patted him on the shoulder. “It’s not like that for everyone.”

“So what’s next?” My uncle asked.

My dad smiled warmly. “You talked to some folks on your way in, right?”

Chuck nodded.

“There will be more. Lots more. I’m glad I got this opportunity, though. I owe you a beer.”

I hadn’t seen the bartender slide anything their way, and yet suddenly I realized there were beers in their hands. It looked like some sort of light beer for my dad, while Chuck held a colorful IPA. I took another sip of bourbon, absently trying to place the flavor. Angel’s Envy?

“Really? Why’s that?” Chuck asked.

My dad took a pull from his bottle and nodded appreciatively. “My kids really looked up to you after I had to leave.”

Chuck sipped his own pint, nodding thoughtfully before replying, “It’s tough not having your father around, but you make do with what you have. I was lucky to have some good examples thrown my way.”

“My boys, too,” my dad agreed, fixing his brother-in-law with a significant stare.

Chuck smiled, a bit of warmth rising in his cheeks, and then raised his glass. My dad touched the rims together, and then they both turned toward the bar where I noticed a television for the first time.

“Cubs up?” Chuck asked.

Ted nodded. “They’ve been playing some great ball, lately. I wish they’d do a little more small ball, but….” He shrugged.

They watched with contentment for a long moment before Chuck said, “Any beaches around here?”

My dad laughed, nodding. “Sailboats too. Or, anything you want, really.” He pointed. “Check it out, just around the corner there.”

Chuck nodded, rising. For a moment, they both turned toward me and smiled. But then I was falling, crashing back into my sleeping body.

I jolted awake. But then I smiled, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

For Chloe

Saturday, we lost a member of our family. I made the decision to euthanize my dog after complications surrounding her cancer treatments and infection stacked up to overwhelm her. Even though I remain convinced, in my heart, that it was the correct and best decision for Chloe, it is a decision that I believe will haunt me for many years to come. I feel for all of the medical professionals out there, for whom life or death decisions are a daily occurrence. I could not do that job.

I already posted something simple on Facebook, fresh off of the loss. We are grateful for the outpouring of support that followed. In a lot of ways, losing your beloved pet is a right of passage for all pet owners that unites us. I have often talked about being admitted to a “club” after losing my father when I was 18. It is a club you do not want to find yourself in, but once you are there, it comes with a perspective that cannot be achieved by a means other than experience. I now find myself in new company of those who have had to make “the call” for their pet, and would rather not be in this club. Yet, here we are.

And yes, I am equating losing my dog to losing my father. Honestly, in traumatic things that have happened in my life, emotionally this is in the same ballpark. I know there are a lot of people who would say Chloe was “just a dog,” and I get it. Dogs are not humans. Also, life is a not a competition of traumas. I was Chloe’s person. She chose me, and so to me fell the responsibility of choosing her route to whatever lies beyond this world. It was not a position I took for granted, and I always endeavored to be the best choice she could have made. I loved her, and she loved me, unconditionally. That is why this hurts so much, and that is why I am not hesitant to draw upon my experience with losing my father. Love is love, and grief does not discriminate.

Since I know you are curious, Dear Journal, I will recount how this all went down so that you have it for your vast records. Chloe had been diagnosed with lymphoma around two weeks ago. Her lymph nodes were huge, and we could tell she was in some amount of pain. We consulted with a veterinary oncologist, and decided upon a treatment path. Chloe was a fighter and we were going to fight this thing. On average, the treatment was supposed to give us another year with minimal downsides and a high quality of life.

Chloe received her first round of chemo on Wednesday, and responded pretty well. The first day was difficult, as she was nauseous, but she bounced Thursday and was trending in the correct direction. By Friday, a majority of her swollen glands had decreased to normal levels, and she was as energetic and sweet as she’d ever been. We celebrated in the evening by going on what would be Chloe’s last walk. She loved it. She fell asleep next to us on the couch. I let her out back one final time before putting her to bed, and we were all very optimistic about the way this fight might go.

It was not to be. Saturday morning found Chloe laying near the door, unable to stand, in a mess. Something must have ruptured in her abdomen in the middle of the night, and she had experienced a seizure, followed by septic shock. She was in very bad shape. We were able to get her to the emergency vet, but she was unresponsive, just trying to breathe. The vet did what they could, but it came down to two options: continue with emergency surgery, or humanely euthanize.

The abdominal infection would require surgical intervention to repair and attempt to clean out the infection. Best case, this would result in prolonged recovery in the veterinary hospital which, due to COVID-19, we wouldn’t even be allowed to visit. The prognosis for recovery from septic shock in dogs is extremely poor, even before you factor in the lymphoma. There was a very good chance she would go into the hospital, never see us, and never come out again.

Facing that, I made the choice to say good bye, right then and there. One of the differences between dogs and humans that I struggle with is that you can explain a hospital stay to a human. A dog will simply not understand, and miss you the whole time. Chloe had a long history of infections, and I suspected that even if she were able to somehow pull through this, the odds would just continue to stack against her until no options remained. I’ve seen medical stories like this before, and I chose to give her the gift of peace.

It broke my heart. I cried for most of the weekend, and will likely still cry a lot today. But this is the job, and not all tears are an evil. This is what you sign up for when you love a dog. And it is beyond worth it. I wouldn’t trade one aggressive sniff or snuggle away for any sort of escape from this heartache. She was a good girl, had a good life, and we will miss her very much.

Despite being a fan of the movie, I am not sure if all dogs go to heaven, or if there even is such a place for dogs or humans. I am fervent in my faith that there is one, communal afterlife, and that all the souls we loved along the way, human or otherwise, will be there to welcome us warmly someday with the spiritual equivalent of wiggly butts. I hope that those that have gone before us have found comfort away from the difficulties of this world, and are watching over us with tilted heads and wagging tails. And I believe that the love that we experience here on Earth remains the greatest and best expression of a bond that defeats death, and sits waiting patiently at the window for us to finish our own walk and come in for more cuddles on the great cosmic couch.

Rest in peace, Chloe. You were a very good girl.

Seclusion, Day N

It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated, Dear Journal, but things have been really, really busy. Let’s do a info-dump-style recap: Last November, Brooke was a year and a half, and just embarking into the “full blown tornado” human toddler development stage. She is now a “full blown climbing tornado,” which is an important distinction. You see, most tornadoes stay on the ground when they’re wreaking havoc. Not so with the toddler tornado. They must add an element of real bodily danger to everything, so climbing is how they supplement vast, unimaginable energy with said danger.

If I had my vote, the recap would stop right there. Our first family foray into toddler corralling strategies has been enough to keep me satisfied. “Hold my beer,” says the year 2020.

Let’s start with the good: Kate and I found out that our family will be expanding sometime in late August or early September of this year. We also recently received test results that say to expect a healthy baby girl. We’re super excited about that, and really feel like we’re ahead of the game when it comes to the anticipated coronavirus baby boom. I’m really putting on my best hipster hat when I say: we were doing it before it was cool. Literally, I guess.

Wait, what is the coronavirus, you ask, Dear Journal? Well, we’ll get to that. First, in the interest of remaining largely sequential with my recap, I must note that I experienced an unexpected job change. My job at Ball Systems went away in late January, so I had to buckle down and find something pretty quickly during the month of February. If you’ve ever stared COBRA in the face with a pregnant wife at your side, you may be able to imagine the urgency of my job search.

Fortunately, I was extremely lucky that a global company with local offices was in a hiring pattern for the exact type of engineering I excel at. My wife even happened to do hair for someone who works there, so it seemed an alignment of fates. I was able to get in touch with the right folks at Allegion, and we quickly decided the fit looked good; I was able to start the first week of March. You may picture me sweating like Shaq at the foul line, and then doing a big, exaggerated forearm swipe of said sweat. A dramatic “phew” may have escaped my lips. Turns out, I slid in just in time for the coronavirus to hit as well.

Coronavirus, yes. Now it’s your turn. Since you don’t know, Dear Journal, because you’re an inanimate journal, I’ll give you the short and simple explanation. I’m sure you can research more, later, if you’d like. Essentially, this crazy COVID-19 novel virus hitched a ride on a plane, landed in the US, and decided go on immediate tour. It was a gig that was still playing, simultaneously, in other areas of the world; something we’d never seen before. The screaming, instead of adoring fans, is our healthcare system being put on high alert with the possibility of being overwhelmed by a tsunami of sick people all at once.

For this tsunami, however, there is something we can all do to help. We can voluntarily seclude ourselves for as long as it takes to sluice some of the incoming water off, with the intent to spritz it back out later when things are more calm. Though, we’re not sure when, exactly, that calm will be. So, my family officially went into seclusion several days ago with no planned end in sight. I’ve already lost count of the days, not because it’s bothering me or been particularly long, but because it was more of a slow, uncomfortable, Homer Simpson step-back into the hedge. This whole situation has evolved extremely rapidly. One day we’re making plans to have dinner with friends. 24 hours later everything is shut down.

As a proud introvert, I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Social distancing is how I managed my energy even in the best of times. For my wife, though, it’s terribly stressful. We had to stop her salon services, which was a huge blow for her, plus removes her income from our coffers. We’ll tighten up and be fine, and we’re thankful to be better off than a lot of households where both incomes are service-dependent. It also transitions her to a stay-at-home mom, which is not a job she was chasing. We were more than happy to offload some of that work to grandparents, and were fortunate enough that such an arrangement was possible for us. Different personalities thrive in different roles, and I know it’s rough on Kate to see me continuing to be reasonably productive from home, while she’s been forced to shift all of her energy into mothering. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice for her to spend time with Brooke, and we’re trying to focus on that silver lining, but having built in “breaks” before this seclusion was hugely appreciated. I think even stay-at-home moms who fully embrace the role could agree with that bit of mental health prioritizing. Now, we’re pretty much all stuck in place without any sense of when everything will switch back on.

Despite all of this, Dear Journal, we’re doing our best to do our part. We have close friends and relatives in the healthcare system, and we want to support them however we can. We’re keenly aware that sacrifice on our part could potentially save lives down the road. We fully expect this to get worse before it gets better, but we’re hopeful that enough folks will join in the nationwide self-imposed seclusion so that it doesn’t have to get much worse, and that the most number of lives can be saved.

I wanted to finish this post with a few things that I’m thankful for. There was a study that showed how it was chemically impossible to feel both gratitude and depression at the same time. Since a big risk of seclusion is becoming depressed, I’m going to make a point to try to encourage thankfulness wherever possible.

First and foremost, we’re grateful for all of the medical professionals working to stem the tide of illness and providing the best care of which they are capable. Second, I’m mindful of all of our friends in food service out there. Those industries have been hit hard, and I’m grateful that we have delivery services that can still bring a pizza to my door. That takes a chain of personnel to make happen, and hopefully we can keep that pipeline safely rolling during seclusion. Finally, I’m grateful for those supporting the technology that is keeping us connected even in seclusion.

A fun example: I was watching along with ~15,000 other Neon Cactus Piano Bar alumni while Bruce recreated a typical Thirsty Thursday from his basement. It reminded me that we’re all a lot more connected than we realize, even when we’re voluntarily minimizing the physical aspect of those connections.

Keep being intentional in your connection, Dear Journal. We’re all in this together.

 

An Update and Sgt. Stubby for Vet’s Day

Posts are coming much slower, and with much more time in between. I’m told that Brooke is “at that age now.” Which, apparently to anyone who has been through it, means the you-are-going-to-constantly-be-exhausted-keeping-her-safe-from-herself phase. For instance, you know those little plastic things you put in outlets to protect your kids from shocking themselves? My kid takes them off with her mouth. Quickly. (Side note: they make full shields that you can find on Amazon that are, so far, more child-proof than the previously considered “child-proof.”)

It’s not all bad, though. Brooke now has the ability to focus on a television screen and understand a little of what is going on. Now, I recognize this is also dangerous territory, as we’re told you’re supposed to sequester your child from any and all screens for the first two years of life lest they develop serious mental flaws for which you, as the parent, shall be judged for the remainder of your years. What can I say? I’m a bad parent. I like cuddling up at the end of the night and watching kid’s movies with my kid as she falls asleep. I mean, before I was watching Frozen “to study for my eventual daughter.” Now, I’m watching it “for her.”

The Disney staples have gone over well, but honestly it’s been the movies with dogs that have really piqued Brooke’s interest so far. Which, if you know us, is not surprising. Over the course of one weekend, we watched both Homeward Bounds, and All Dogs Go To Heaven. Anything where my daughter can point out the “dah” on the screen and I can nod and report that, yes, that is a dog, has been a hit.

With Veteran’s Day on the horizon, the magic algorithms that tell us all what to watch were filling my screen with war movies this weekend. Which is all well and good, but Saving Private Ryan is probably not something I want to watch with my toddler. We did, however, come across an animated flick about the most decorated war dog of World War 1. It’s PG, so I figured safe, and it has a dog that vaguely resembles one of ours. We were in. For sure.

If you’re looking for something off the tried and true Disney path, I heartily recommend Sgt. Stubby. It was pretty amazing. I wasn’t expecting a whole lot (I mean, we made it through Homeward Bound 2 which, let’s be honest, is not exactly a blockbuster), but what I got was a fantastic picture of both the exploits of the dog, and a bit of the history of WWI. I thought it was extremely well done, and had me tearing up at multiple points during the movie. If you’re looking for something to watch on Vet’s Day, give it a look. If you love dogs as much as we do, you won’t regret it. And you’ll spend the next hour or so after your kid is asleep looking up the real Sgt. Stubby and marveling at the true story as well.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share that today as a way of saying thanks to all the Veteran humans (and animals) who have served over the years. The freedom to cuddle with my daughter and watch a story about a war dog is much appreciated. I know we fought for much larger reasons, but sometimes it’s the small things that really drive home how lucky we are today.